In my last post, I addressed some of the factors related to the stress and anxiety of Christmas. Now, with the new year well and truly under way, it is often a time framed as one of hope, opportunity with attention shifting towards New Year’s resolutions; typically associated with self-development and personal change. The origins of New Year’s resolutions date back over 4,000 years to ancient Babylon and were later adopted by the Romans. The long history suggests that the new year has been viewed as a symbolic new beginning throughout much of civilised culture. It may seem odd writing about new year’s resolutions as we approach February, but this is the time most people give up on their new year commitments, and this blog post hopefully can be of assistance to someone to keep or get back on track.

New Year’s Resolutions and Failure

Despite this hopeful symbolism, New Year’s resolutions are often unrealistic and unachievable. They are frequently rigid, dichotomous, and ultimately self-defeating. Research consistently shows that the vast majority of people fail to sustain their resolutions, with many abandoning them entirely within a month. There are many reasons why resolutions fail, but I will focus on a few key, interlinked factors.

Shame-Based Motivation

The motivation behind phrases such as “new year, new me” is often rooted in shame. This may manifest as a desire to change one’s appearance, behaviour, or to become a “better person.” Such pledges are typically driven by all-or-nothing thinking, which paradoxically sets the conditions for failure.

A crucial question to ask is: Who am I doing this for?
The insecurities and beliefs that fuel these resolutions are often internalised perceptions of how we think others see us. Even if such goals are achieved, they may lack meaning or a genuine sense of fulfilment. The underlying motivation is not growth, but avoidance of shame, embarrassment, or disappointment.

Preparing for Failure

Benjamin Franklin is often credited with saying, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,” a sentiment that applies well to unsuccessful resolutions. Not believing that a resolution is achievable; or not believing in it at all undermines commitment, planning, and motivation. Unrealistic goal setting, vague aims, and a lack of emotional readiness all contribute to failure. Shame further erodes commitment, fuelling a cycle of self-criticism, internalised worthlessness, and guilt around perceived “bad” behaviours. Whether a resolution is too vague or overly ambitious, it may ultimately damage self-esteem and confidence rather than enhance them.

Tradition Before Commitment

New Year’s resolutions are also shaped by tradition. Their long-standing presence in human history can create a sense of obligation to make a resolution, even when there is little genuine commitment or personal meaning attached to it. However, this modern sense of obligation arguably contradicts the original tradition. Historically, the new year was a time of reflection, looking back, making sense of the past, and thoughtfully considering the year ahead. Today’s secular, self-development-focused approach reframes the self as a project to be perfected.

But we are not projects.

A meaningful New Year’s resolution is not defined by the scale of change it promises. There is value in appreciating the year that has passed and acknowledging progress already made, without the pressure to become “better” or “fixed.” Obligation has replaced intention; self-development has replaced reflection. The pursuit of perfection has become a tradition in its own right; one that often intensifies insecurity and reinforces the need for validation from others, rather than fostering self-understanding or compassion.

New Year’s Resolutions for Me

This may suggest that New Year’s resolutions cause more harm than good, but that does not have to be the case. Some of my reflections may appear contradictory and perhaps that is the point. Many people’s New Year’s resolutions are incongruent with who they are. Incongruence refers to a mismatch between one’s internal emotions, beliefs, and values, and the external forces and expectations surrounding them. When motivations come from the outside, resolutions can become shame-fuelled, anxiety-driven, and quietly prepare us for failure. So, how might New Year’s resolutions feel more genuine and attuned to the self?

Reflective
New year, new me—but what is wrong with the old you? A new year does not require transformative change. Not only is this often unrealistic, but it is also frequently unnecessary. We are all vulnerable to the pressure of others’ expectations, but what matters most is what you feel, not what you believe you should become. So, try to reflect with authenticity, honesty and self-compassion.

Be Flexible, but be Committed
Rigid, all-or-nothing thinking turns growth into a pass-or-fail test. Progress does not disappear because plans change. Goals can be adjusted, paused, or reshaped without being abandoned. Flexibility allows space for curiosity rather than self-criticism. The author Charles Bukowski has engraved on his gravestone “Don’t Try” and I agree. Trying can be interpreted as avoidant procrastination from actually committing to something, trying to force something or to be something you are not. Allow your path to flow organically, embrace yourself with raw honesty – Worts and all. Don’t try – Go All the Way.

Resilient
Resilience is not about relentless discipline or pushing through discomfort at all costs. It is the capacity to return to oneself after setbacks without shame. Slips are not evidence of failure; they are part of being human. A resolution grounded in self-compassion strengthens confidence rather than eroding it. Perhaps the most meaningful resolution is not about becoming someone new, but about relating differently to who you already are.

A new year can be a point of opportunity for change, but change can difficult. If there are topics that resonate with you and you see the new year as a new start: check out my Services Page or contact me at jon@attachedtherapy.co.uk.